Year 60, My First Kiss, and Avoiding Those Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda’s
A little about continuity of brain-state
I’m in my 60th year. That’s weird but not really weird at all.
What’s weird about it is remembering my mother’s 60th birthday. We had a surprise party and flew her mother out.
What’s not weird about it is that, having grown up with myself, I am exactly the age that I am and, as far as I can tell, I’ve always been the age that I am.
I’m not sure that makes sense so let’s provide a little clarity.
Recently I was reading one of my favorite substacks, , written by . His latest installment discussed Philosophical Zombies. (actually, he has a more recent article but I’ve yet to read it).
I commented on that piece (comments here, if interested) and part of what we discussed is how property dualism (the idea that consciousness is somehow separate from our physical/material nature) has no evidentiary warrant. Meaning, there is no evidence that consciousness, amazing quality that it is, is anything more than electro-chemical interactions in our brain.
What makes it cool is, short of brain injury or dysfunction, memory creates a continuity so that when we go to sleep or are put under for surgery, etc., we wake up and those chemical reactions pick up mostly where we left off.
Over the course of life, we are who we are, even if the “who we are” is not an entity as much as our current brain state with short and long-term memory to connect our current moment to our prior moments.
And so, when we remember our ten year old self, we remember it as our current self.
Let me state it more clearly. We have no reason to believe we have a soul or anything that lives beyond our brain death. Boo hoo and big sad face… right? The “I” that we are, is that emergent quality of those electro-chemical reactions.
This, of course, suggests that we are not likely to reunite with loved ones who have died, sit on clouds playing harps with God, or come back to haunt those who annoyed us in life.
For me, it also emphasizes how spectacularly wondrous this brief stint of consciousness can be. And, where possible, why we should try to recognize that wonder and share that with others.
If scarcity creates value, this hundred year blip, when compared to eons, is extraordinarily scarce!!! Give it its due!
Memory: My First Kiss
I remember my first kiss. Annette Jackson, the “older woman” living next door, and I were swimming in our pool in Chatsworth. I was probably 6 and she must have been 7. She told me to go underwater and look at her. I did as I was told and she swam up to me and kissed me on the mouth!
I’m surprised I didn’t drown. It is a pretty good memory for me!
Two things about that. First, I’ve never been the same. I still obey Deb most of the time and feel damned lucky that I get to kiss her!
Second, when I think about that event, it is me that is there. Not some other 6 year old entity. Because, in my 60th year, brain-state/memory creates continuity that gives the appearance of a single person. That is MY memory, not the memory of a brain state that is 54 year gone.
Don’t get weird on me… I’m not suggesting I picture a 60 year old me kissing an 7 year Annette. Keep your mind out of my gutter.
Rather, when I contemplate past events, my current brain state is connected to that prior brain state in an unending stream of brain states. I kissed Annette - or she kissed me as it were. That’s how I remember it.
In fact, the other day, Deb was gracing me with a kiss. She had pulled me onto the bed - thrown me there, if the truth be told. She commented about how she couldn’t believe she was kissing such an old man.
And we briefly mentioned that we really have no idea how much longer we have or how many more kisses we will get.
It made me think of things I haven’t done… yet.
We have this day, this opportunity.
My advice: More kisses! More songs! More compassion! More rage at injustice! More care for the underprivileged! More awareness of our frailty! More creative output!
Let’s work to avoid as many coulda, woulda, shoulda’s as possible!
Do your brain state a favor and stop living as though you get another chance at this! Even if you believe that you do, I wouldn’t count on it!
And fuck those people who would scare you into believing myths that steal your time, your emotional freedom, and who would have you trade today for an unverified future without the evidence to support its existence!
Be present… that’s your present!
As always, thank you for joining me on this journey.
With Love and Gratitude,
Matthew Moran
March 18, 2025
A few P.S’s
I’m doing a lot with music. First, I’m taking guitar lessons. Very interesting to me and I’ll write about it soon.
Second, two short segments of productions I’m working on.
Interesting thoughts. as always. Though you don't deal with the total unreliability of memory, which is pretty well documented :-)
Be well,
J
I really loved lonely, mile man! What sounds like a double 12 string is so beautiful and full and the way you finger pick those minor chords just gets to me. The lyrics are also very haunting and beautiful. I would love to hear the whole song when it’s done.