Feeling Sad / Feeling Creative

I'm NOT linking the two. I'm just sharing things.

I’m not providing any lessons or insight or anything particularly helpful here. I’m just sharing something.

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I had a rough night two nights ago. Emotional about a few things. Things I have and haven’t done and, what feels like one thing after another.

I can be challenging during those times. When I say, challenging, that is a euphemism for a frenetic, annoyed, and impatient, anxiety. I’ve mentioned it before; everything and everyone is “in the way.” It’s not my best me.

In the past year it has happened a lot. I have an inkling of the cause - or causes. No need to share those - that’s not what this is about.

A few weeks ago, Deb and I were laughing about the absurdity of the stream of crises that have made up the past couple of years. We likened it to being in something like The Truman Show.

If you are unfamiliar with the premise, Jim Carrey plays a man who’s entire life has been a reality show where he is the only person unaware of the production going on around him.

We were sitting on the bed talking about it and I looked over to the air-conditioning vent - the obvious place for one of the cameras - and said, “Cut! I want to talk to the writers. This isn’t even realistic.”

But I realize something. As you age, some crises are going to happen. Parents die, friends die, children age, you age, etc. Stuff just keeps happening and it never really happens on your schedule.

That’s another thing… when something happens - a flat tire for instance - you are always struck with how inconvenient it is.

“Why did this happen today?”

It’s always when you are on your way somewhere. But then, again, when else would a flat tire happen? You are necessarily on your way somewhere. And we seem to always be on our way somewhere.

Back to my rough night.

I was being challenging - per my definition above.

Deb was remarkably patient. She isn’t always patient - she is not required to be. Sometimes she has to slap me around a bit and tell me to get my shit together.

She’s not prone to yelling - that isn’t how we communicate. But she will tell me, straight up, “You’re being a dick. You need to be nicer.”

This night, she told me to just lay with her. We talked… it was good. I told her I was sorry and I was feeling sad.

That’s always hard for me to admit. Feeling sad, in my world, seems self-indulgent.

I’m healthy. Deb is healthy. I have talents and opportunities. My kids are healthy and working on being healthier. I have people I care about in my life. I have music.

Feeling sad feels “weak” to me.

And here is the kicker; the true arrogance. I feel I can’t be sad because other people need me. How will they manage life without me? (honestly, I think this a LOT!) I need to be positive for them. I need to be encouraging. Feeling sad isn’t part of that plan.

Wow! Full stop!

This is NOT what I planned to write about at all! But I’m going to keep it. It gives context to what comes next… sort of. Also, it’s Thursday and I’m supposed to write about the human condition. This feels human enough.

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Yesterday morning I was up at 3:47am. The morning after my rough evening.

I had no plans to write anything. We had picked up pencils the day prior, so I sketched my coffee mug. I’m not sharing it here.

Then I started playing guitar… a basic Travis Picking pattern. G, to Em, to C to D-ish. A chord arrangement that can be found in thousands upon thousands of songs. Bach or Mozart I am not.

And then words came.

I made a video of the first two stanzas. It’s short - indulge me and watch it. Or not, no demands. I have the lyrics below. There are more lyrics written but I need a chorus and one more stanza. At least, that’s what I think I need. We’ll see how it plays out.

Also, my picking is not as smooth as I’d like. I’m not practicing enough. Noted!

Below the video are a couple other things that came out this morning.

Video: Untitled Song

Loading video

Some lyrics

We’ve been down this road before
It’s the way of the world or so I’m told
Good people talking about the shape I’m in
They’re all, prayers and curses and the wages of sin

But I’m making my peace, making my bed
Seeking the salve that will calm my head
Of these spinning doubts and ghost of mistakes
One smile from you is all it takes, baby
- © 2023 - Matthew Moran

I’ll be honest… I like it… A LOT!!!

Pages from my songwriting journal.

This morning I woke up, hoping to finish the song.

I ended up sketching two things. They’re not very good but they are what was in front of me.

Rain often sleeps in what appears to be the most uncomfortable position I could imagine. But, I suspect she’s comfortable. Is she providing a lesson about being yourself? Hmm.

My reading glasses looked interesting to me. I had used them to look at something and set them on the desk. I thought the shadows looked interesting. I didn’t come close to capturing what I saw. I suppose there is a lesson about the limitations of communicating our perspective.

Next week we are going to be at the beach for a few days. We’re watching my sister’s house. I may not provide Monday’s update until Tuesday morning. Only because I may have beach photos/videos and that’s always nice.

Have a good weekend everyone.

And thank you for joining me on this journey!

Matthew Moran
August 31, 2023